Toby Neal: Any money-saving tips? it’s a bit rich

Tmie to reduce?

Times are tough and will only get worse. Fuel bills are skyrocketing. Food prices are soaring. Household spending is soaring.

So, in an innovative link, I’m delighted to be able to bring you advice from senior officials in Her Majesty’s Government on how to cope, with some tips to help navigate your way through the cost of life.

GO ELECTRIC: Soon we in the UK Government will be forcing you to go electric anyway and turn your back on obsolete fossil fuel consumers, so why wait?

Think of the money you will save! And you will help the environment get started.

It makes economic sense to act now. A small entry-level runabout in the region of £30,000 will get you to the shops – and back. However, if you think you might be suffering from range anxiety, step up into the £100,000 bracket and you can get something that will take you around 400 miles before you have to take that tea break at the battery charging point .

Ditch the Motor: Save thousands of dollars by becoming a car-free family and travel everywhere using Britain’s cheap and efficient public transport system.

DON’T TAKE A HOLIDAY ABROAD: With the cost of flights, accommodation and overhead, it’s just not worth it and you’re far better off going to your second home in Cornwall .

INSTALL AN ECO-FRIENDLY HEAT PUMP: Farewell to the boiler, the future of heating is green. Embrace heat pump technology and for around £10,000 (if you’re lucky) you could join this revolution and enjoy temperatures well above freezing while helping the UK meet its targets from net zero.

GET A NEW JOB: It’s so simple you may not have thought of it, but land yourself a lucrative management or consulting position and all your financial problems will be solved.

GROW YOUR OWN FOOD: As you look at your manicured grounds, ask yourself if there is any part of your estate that could be devoted to food production.

Home grown produce is delicious and you’ll be helping the environment again as there will be no food miles. Even better, if you have more than you need, you can sell your excess produce to your hungry villagers and make yourself a nice profit.

SAY NO TO FOOD WASTE: Across the country, municipalities are giving households small bins to fill with their food waste. And you won’t believe it, but some people fill them up and put them out for collection. Food waste is food waste – so if you have edible food waste, ask yourself why. Eat your green vegetables. They are good for you. If that doesn’t work, get a dog.

ONE-ROOM LIVING: Do you need to use every part of your home? Cover the furniture in all redundant wings with tarps and live in and heat one room. The living room is a good choice. You can put a cardie if you have to visit your library or your dining room.

AVOID THE MOST EXPENSIVE BRANDS: It’s natural to want the best, but sacrifices are going to have to be made, so ditch Harrods and shop around, and you’ll be amazed at how much you can save. Fortnum & Mason makes baskets at very reasonable prices.

INVEST IN SUCCESS: Just as there is no bad weather, only inappropriate clothing, there is no poverty, only an inappropriate budget. So put some money aside to buy stocks and grow your capital while supporting great companies. A big oil company could be a good punt right now.

CARPET DIEM: Every year, thousands of households change their carpets due to uneven wear, resulting in huge unnecessary costs. But a simple change of habits will save this expense. When you enter a room, do not step on the center of the busy carpet. Instead, stay close to the walls. And when climbing stairs, take care of the center of the steps and walk with a rolled step with your legs apart, while firmly holding the railing for health and safety reasons.

BE STRONG: Difficult times bring with them difficult decisions. You can’t go on living in the style you’re used to. So the footman has to go.

For more useless advice, listen to upcoming announcements from government ministers.